Gosh you all, thank you for the sweet words these past few days. They really have meant so much to me. (especially you Cheryl, goodness. those words were a gift. really.) I've been trying to figure out how to word my next post here for a few days….. it proved to be trickier than I thought….
I don't know how it all finally becomes too much.
It seems like one thing eventually tips it over and then you realize there was far more in there than you thought. I mean, like a lot more. The last 18 months have been some of the hardest in my (our) lives. Some typical moving-leaving-starting-over. The suicide of a friend. Walking the dark forest of depression with our oldest. My mom's accident. Discovering last month the youngest has Lyme disease. These big things intermixed with the everyday raising young people, paying bills, trying to get everything and everyone where it needs to be.
The Lyme disease did me in though. It was the one more thing.
I stopped writing. Taking pictures. Making stuff. It is tremendously difficult for me to find beauty when my heart is so heavy with worry.
I've done my best to stay as busy as possible in some way over the last few weeks. Canning. Reading. Far too many hours logged online. Pinterest and TED got me through some rough patches. Especially this. The term vulnerability hangover fit how I was feeling so perfectly. I love Brené.
Sooner or later, you can't avoid that raw feeling in your gut. You have to wade through it, remind yourself you are brave and strong. You have to find your way home. One tiny step at a time, no matter the circumstance.
And then some good things happened to make it easier. The change of some plans left me in the studio all afternoon. Instead of working I made something fun. For me. (sharing it here soon) Some delicious yarn arrived in the mail for a test knit I'm participating in. I started getting ready for an upcoming art faire in Cape Cod. Phone calls with good friends. We had our first snow. It didn't stick…. but that warm magic feeling I get when it snows did. A few hours by the fire knitting and sipping hot toddies with Joe while Luke read us Shel Silverstein poems.
It all feels like one big exhale……