just this…….

just this.......

A little heartfelt bit from my journal, a scribbled note to my sweet friend back in Louisiana. To all of you who know what it's like to start over. Again, and again. The heartache that tugs at your soul many months after you've said your goodbyes. There are so many new pieces to find and rearrange, and sometimes you just miss what is familiar. What you know. I so get that….. 

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

to A……..

I walked into a room of mamas. The kinda crunchy kind. Our kind.

Kids running and laughing in every direction.

I sat down and scanned the faces.

All smiling. All kind and sweet, for sure.

I talked a little. Watched my kids struggle a bit to interact as the only newbies.

My girl is an old pro at this, but it's all new to the boy.

He is so quiet and reserved. Calm. Watching.

You are laughing at this thought, right?

How could the crazy little man be the quiet one?

New faces. New places. We should be so good at this by now.

It's still hard though. And like leaving, I forget how difficult it is.

The starting over. The slow exchange of small talk. The hope for a new friend.

For the kids. For me.

I never need a group, just one.

And it's hard because I look around and I am unfairly hoping to see a familiar face.

I'm hoping to hear your laugh. To think Yes, this is it. You are here and these are my peeps.

It's ridiculous, really. But it's true.

Awhile back I told my girl, who was in tears because she was so missing her friend and certain there would never be another like her…. 

"I promise there will be more friends, but you are so right. No one will ever replace her."

And it sucks to say that, but it's true. And even though it's hard, I think know that it is so good to honor her heartache. To not try to fix it. To sit in it with her and just listen. Just be there.

So with this bit of knowledge in my pocket, I muster up my bravery, and I keep showing up. I remind myself in time, it will happen. She will never be you, but she will be good. We will laugh. Hopefully drink coffee, and maybe some wine. Share meals. Our kids will play. And sometimes while we're hanging out, I will smile and think of you and wish you were with us. Because there really is no one quite like you. 

Missing you…..

xo~

S

ps ~ the food picture seems so unrelated, right? it's a favorite dish of mine & A's. she'll get a kick out of it being part of this post. 

 

32 thoughts on “just this…….

  1. I got a taste of this going to France. Saying goodbye was so hard I could hardly bear it. It’s great to hear that you are to embrace the feeling of loss. I like that part the best about this post. “And even though it’s hard, I think know that it is so good to honor her heartache. To not try to fix it.”
    Hugs!

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  2. Could have been a page from my own journal. In fact, I’ve thought about writing to you for help on this in my own life! Thanks for sharing.

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  3. It is sad to say goodbye to friends. For some of us it seems to be a constant. But as you have pointed out, the other constant is finding new ones. I’m right there with you.

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  4. As a military wife also, and a long time reader of your blog, this totally describes my feelings. I’m struggling watching my daughter who is almost 3 and 1/2 really miss her Dad right now. This is the first time he’s been gone for any length of time that she really notices and feels his absence. I’m trying to be there for her, and to find the right words to explain why her Dad has to go far away to work. I struggle with all of this and being “enough” for my children when their Dad who is such a huge presence in our little family is absent. I’m hoping these experiences of moving, of starting over, and of missing the ones we love so dear, will make my daughters very strong women. Thank you for words, they really resonated with me..

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  5. Oh, this made me cry. For you, for me, and for everyone else this happens to. Now I really wish I could move in and be your neighbor. Where do you find these crunchy mamas? I never know where to look. I wish you the best of luck finding your new “one.” Virtual hugs to you and your little ones.

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  6. Thank you KC…… as parents we want so badly to fix things. Sometimes we take on so much guilt for our children's pain, even when there really is no one to blame for it. Honoring their feelings is hard at first, almost counterintuitive. But somehow, it works like magic. It lets us all off the hook and we all feel better……

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  7. You can always drop me a line πŸ™‚ Really. And yes, I thought about my fellow "always uprooting" mamas as I posted this. It can be so hard when you're trying to get settled again and sometimes it takes forever…… hugs to you!

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  8. Yes, it is. I told me sweet "A" that I wrote this to when I left "leaving is so hard, even though I've done it so many times…. it never gets easier. but if I had never left in the beginning, I would have never found my way to you" ~~~~ and that is the story of my life. xo~

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  9. Oh sweet mama I know your pain. It was so much easier in the beginning when they had little concept of time. I remember trying to explain the same thing to my littles long ago. "Everyone has different work, and this is daddys. I miss him too." I must have said that a zillion times. We kept little framed pictures of daddy for them, and they were kissed every night before bed. He's missed so many birthdays and holidays. Our now seventeen year old seems to have his birthday missed the most (we're going on FIVE consecutive years now, lol). So now, when it's close to his birthday he asks Joe "So, where you going Dad?" Jokingly assuming he's headed somewhere, or will get a duty call, or something. He says "The Coast Guard just really hates my birthday." (in a *very* joking tone). I can tell you that they do grow up just fine. They end up independent and adventurous. They have had amazing experiences as children, can hold a conversation with anyone. Especially in regards to geography. And, as my husband says "We don't have anyone to put on an emergency contact list, but we break down in our car pretty much anywhere in the US and have a friend to call." 
    Sending you much love while you're flying solo. xo~

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  10. I cried as I wrote it. We really do need to be neighbors. We're been hanging out here together for so long! The crunchy mamas are such an elusive group, especially because we don't often define ourselves as being in a group (aka hard to track down!) We all hang out in libraries and out of doors and at home. It makes it hard to bump into each other. Louisiana was so rough! I told my husband I was going to stand in front of the tiny organic food section until I saw one. He said that might be a little over the top πŸ˜‰ Library activities are great. Any free-ish affordable arts and music programs. Natural food stores sometimes have classes. I think even if you don't homeschool, but are open minded with it & seem to get along with us "type" of mamas…. you could contact the group, tell them you're new and would love to go to a mom's night to meet some like minded mamas. I know none of the ones I know would turn that offer down. Of course, the other thing is time, time, time. And a lot of hopeful wishful thinking to get you through the waiting. xo~

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  11. Big big hugs to you! I know the feeling, albeit I am the idiot who chose to move so much. We have finally found some dear friends, but I still wonder is this the place for us? Just one, indeed. Still longing for the ties we made in DK after all these years…

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  12. Thank you for replying πŸ™‚ We are at our third duty station in 7 years of marriage, and my husband’s 5th in ten years of service (so far). He’s also been deployed overseas 4 times, (twice in our marriage.) It is a struggle at times, but I also think it makes you feel so much more grateful for the times when you get to be together and you learn not to take them or anything for granted. My husband has only been here for one out of 3 birthdays for our oldest, so we may have a birthday/work curse in the making as well! πŸ™‚ I try really hard, and am getting better at coming out of my shell sooner. We have such limited time to get out, explore and meet new people before we move again, and there can be so many missed opportunities if we let them pass us by. Easier said than done though, of course. It’s so great when you can find friends or a friend that can share these experiences. Much love and thanks to you and your family.

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  13. I think the ties in our youth can sometimes be so hard to recreate, as sad as that may sound. Especially for those of us who move again & again. Spouse and families take top priorities and everything shifts. The world is different in the thick of all these responsibilities, you know? But there is always a diamond in the rough. The one easy friendship that falls into place and is just what you are looking for……. xo~

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  14. Of course! You have been solo far more times than me. All things considered, we have had an easy go of it. The Coast Guard does not deploy as often as other branches…… usually only a few weeks/months at a time and in the US. He did leave once for a 14 month overseas trip when our third was an infant and I can tell you it was life changing. It's hard to grumble about socks on the floor ever again after that. Socks on the floor means he's home πŸ™‚ My husband hits his twenty year mark this fall…. 17 of it with the kids & I. It went so fast…. and now we're looking at what to do next. Settle down? Buy a farm? I can't even imagine the idea of picking a place to "stay" in. But here we are at the edge of a new piece to this story. Before you know it, this will be you. In the meantime you will be the mama that holds down the fort and your kids will think you're superwoman. I'm sure of it πŸ™‚

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  15. oh dear am I right there with you! It is so hard to leave what you know and who you know behind and then expect to find that friend you miss so much in someone else. Such big shoes to fill for those other people huh? Somehow though it all works out eventually and then we have increased our circle though it hurts while its happening. Hugs to you!

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