sometimes

sometimes

{photo by Jade}

Sometimes I sit here with nothing to say.

I think about posting a few random photos and just simply saying "hi" to you all. Which would probably be fine with friends and family who stop in looking more for kid photos than scoby smuggling and rambling random bits (goodness there's a lot of those, huh?)

I try to think of something fun to share. Something amazing. Witty. Creative. But sometimes all that's here is just life. The stuff we all do daily. I know some folks are bordering on poetry when they write about doing laundry or mending clothing. But to put it bluntly, I ain't that kind of girl. I don't often find inner peace while scrubbing toilets and folding a gazillion loads of laundry. I don't hate it either, it just sort of is.

There really isn't anything crazy magical going on here. It's more or less the same sort of thing any family raising up kids is doing. Especially if you're the simple living type and spend a lofty chunk of your day making things that the rest of the world buys in a store. Like breadgranolalaundry soap and beer. Does anyone else find the irony in what we do being coined as the simple life?

I've been looking in a lot…. getting to know the monkeys in my head. Making time to write on a regular basis. Recording stories…. musings… You know, typical journal-y stuff. I'm sort of hanging out in this quiet spot and soaking up a lot of stuff.

Which reminds me of a story. 

Last month while the kids were attending their homeschool reading & writing group I confided in a writer friend that I felt stuck. "I feel that writing is something I need to do…. but I can't seem to get the right thing out."

She smiled and said, "you're tired of being nice."

She offered up some other advice too. Make writing a daily practice and write down stuff that you don't want anyone else to read, open your heart up. Make yourself vulnerable. She said I should read Anne Lamott.

I chewed on this for the last few weeks. Especially the nice part. I think know she hit the nail on the head with that one. I realized I don't want to be nice…. I want to be real. I want my voice to shine through on these pages, at least most of the time. I think people blog for different reasons. Some folks want to share all the pretty fluff in life. Some use it as an online journal for their inner most thoughts. Some use it to complain about their in laws. I think all of this is fine & good. Accept maybe that last one…. boy could that start a fire.

Real for me is compassionate, kind, honest, raw. I don't want this space here to look perfect. Perhaps a little better than me standing in the hallway screeching at my kids to pick up the legos that are strewn from their bedroom to the living room…

I want you guys to know that after six years of not having one, we just bought a tv. I let my kids eat sugar. I say bad words. Especially that *f* word under my breath when something goes really wrong. {can I blame that one on being married to a sailor for 14 years?} All of my kids have uttered the word s**t before the age of four and it is most definitely my fault. My dad gets the credit for "damn it". I'm terrible at grammar, especially on the placement of commas. I'm hot headed by nature. I've read oodles of self help buddhist books to help me calm my temper and not shriek like a mad woman when things go awry. Yes, they've helped. I'm 5'1" and think I'm as big as a bear. My teenage son calls it Napoleon Complex. This makes me laugh. Sometimes I stand at the meat counter in the grocery store and stare at it, wishing I knew nothing of factory farms and could just buy the damn hamburger and make meatloaf for dinner. But I don't. There are plastic toys in my house and I just pinned a tutorial on how to make a Chewbacca stuffed doll. I'm easily distracted. An introvert. A military wife. A terrible dancer and a good singer. I don't think the simple life is simple. But I know it's worth it. I love my kids so much it makes my heart ache. Like the way your cheeks feel when you smile & laugh for a whole evening with your best of friends. When that first little babe was placed in my single mama nearly 17 year old arms, I was hooked. In love. It's taken me three days to be brave enough to hit the publish button for this (long winded) post. I'm completely & totally imperfect. Real.

I guess I just thought you should know.

 

119 thoughts on “sometimes

  1. The crunchy mama blogosphere needs ALOT more of this. To be honest, I am kind of tiring of the blogs that are all pretty pictures and raw milk yogurt. Let’s get real and elevate this mama thing through honesty and not competition…because, I’m sorry, but that’s what it sometimes feels like!

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  2. Haha! You made me laugh out loud. I'm so glad this post spoke to so many mamas and I'm totally in awe at the responses that keep pouring in. I *so* get where you're coming from in the words you shared. We're sesame street lovers too. I mean, how can you resist cookie monster? So glad you swung in and said hello and I totally wish you were down the street 'cuz I have no real super cool mamas my way. I miss hanging with peeps like myself. Take care & keep on keepin' it real.
    xo
    stephinie

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  3. "Pretty pictures and raw milk yogurt." Haha! I loved that. I do get the sinking feeling of competition sometimes too. I don't know that it happens intentionally…. but I feel it. The truth is it's hard (and scary) to be vulnerable. To lay it all out there for the world to see. Bad words, dirty laundry & all. But I think this is the real community a lot of mamas are looking for. To feel camaraderie among each other. I don't know if you caught the post that followed this one… but I said this "We can be and do and love so much more as a tribe, as sisters." I truly believe this. Thank you for taking the time to share.
    xo
    stephinie

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  4. Stephinie, I adore this~! Amen for honesty…I just wrote something on this as well, inspired by Erin…which in turn is apparently inspired by you!
    Thank you for this.
    XOXO, Jules

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  5. Yes, yes, yes!!!! I love it. All of it. Just left you a comment and linked your post to my random link love on the sidebar. I am beyond words to even tell you what it means to my heart when other mamas let it all out. This is it. Authenticity. Our real & beautiful selves. Please read the post that follows this one too….. {http://www.gypsyforest.com/welcome_to_gypsy_forest/2012/01/and-now.html} Much love to you sweet mama.
    xo
    stephinie

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  6. Came via twitter via Beauty that Moves:: This is beautiful and so liberating! Do you feel it too? We so need permission to use bad words, be able to speak that our children use them too and eat sugar. We are human! Thank you for celebrating our humanity.

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  7. Hello & welcome! Thank you for taking the time to say hello. I feel so connected to all the beautiful souls who have reached out after reading this post. I feel something amazing happening in this community of bloggers. Much love to all you mamas out there. Authentic brave and real! I love it 🙂

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  8. I’ve never read you before. I found this post linked to another blog. I have to say that, while my life is different, it is the same. All these things that others don’t put on their blogs, these are the things that, when I read, I feel like my life is real. I think it is these silly “secrets” that we should all be talking about more. Real, without complaints or apologies. This is who we are! Thank you.

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  9. "Real without complaints or apologies." I love that. I'm truly hoping to find some more ways to share these kinds of bits in my space. In part that will take me snapping a photo when things are not going quite right! Thanks for stopping in and saying hello.
    xo
    stephinie

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  10. This is beautiful Stephanie. I’m here from your other musing post today, but have been following along here since the start of BFTH. Your style and courage is a pleasure to see, and I always feel encouraged after a post of yours, ready to tackle my own messy, real life.

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  11. Tears. What an incredible message. I have always believed that when we show our scars, our imperfections, our struggles, and our pain, we love each other more. In the light of realness is where we connect. What a gift to have connected to you today. You inspire me to keep hitting “publish” on those difficult truths that make me real, that make me who I am.
    P.S. As I read your last paragraph describing who you ARE, I thought, “She is beautiful.”
    Thank you for keeping it real.

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  12. I absolutely agree with you. It's through the difficult times that we find authentic connection with one another. Thank you so much for taking the time to say hello. Best of wishes to you. ~stephinie
    ps – if you didn't, you should totally read the post after this. it talks about being a tribe of sisters. I think you'll love it.

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  13. Welcome! I'm so glad you enjoyed this piece, it was so important for me to let my readers know that I'm an everyday real person behind what they see on the pages here. Not everything is right to share here, but I do my best to be authentic and honest. You are right, real is good 🙂

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