I wanted to tell you….


Sometimes,

the sullen stature of a boy in a man's body trudges along next to me…. quiet…

these years can be uncertain ones… it becomes harder to read the language…

sometimes I crack a joke…. sometimes I say something…. 

mostly I try to just put both hands over my mouth and listen.

I hold onto these fewer spoken words like treasures….

the laughter is like precious gold.

I bite my tongue so as not to interject and run the chance of silencing him.

I try to remember what it was like to be 14.

I don't remember liking it.

This morning there was a spider in my sink…. my oldest boy always scoops them up & carries them outdoors…. and I realized, someday I'll have to take care of own spiders. All of this made me become aware of something, these are the years of slowly letting go, of watching those once so dependent little people transform before your eyes. Of stepping back, just a little, and letting them become who they need to be. Oh my, it's tough at times. In my mind my big boy doesn't seem a day pass 10 and a half. And I suppose, as a mama this will always be so in some sense. But I also know, that I can't fully embrace the now without letting go of a little bit of the then…..

And so, my sweet boy young man,

I wanted to tell you…..

that your kindness makes my heart sing…

that I do remember what it's like to become an adult…

even though it was forever ago.

That when I look misty eyed and smile all at the same time,

I am remembering that little boy who is,

and hopefully always will be

right there, in your heart….

with the same sweet and hilarious antics that have made me smile

and jump through hoops from the moment you first smiled.

That I dearly, sorely miss your tiny hand in mine…

or intertwined in my belt loop as we walk along…

but I am learning to trade it for a smile, a laugh and 

a "night mom, love ya" with a sideways hug

from a boy young man that towers over me.

I'm learning to slowly let go.

Whatever you do, wherever you go,

I will always be here with an ear to listen,

a plate of cookies and a mama bear hug.

I know you will be great, do well…

and become a wonderful man.

I just wanted to tell you….

 

28 thoughts on “I wanted to tell you….

  1. Your a good mama. Your words made me cry. They reminded me of the many many letters that I have from my own mama. It’s a hard journey, but worth it journey, I suppose, to let go and embrace all at the same time.
    I was always the belt loop kid too. Being number five of six, I found my spot close to mama by holding onto her belt loop or her back pocket.

    Like

  2. My little man is turning four soon and already there times of letting go and letting him be his own person. Your words are beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. He is one blessed young man to have you as his Mama.

    Like

  3. Tears all around! Oh my…. just good ones I do hope. They grow up fast, but then again…. the only constant is change right? And embracing it is certainly a lesson of living.

    Like

  4. Oh is it ever hard…. it really is….. and beautiful all at the same time. A wise man asked me once “it hurts doesn’t it kiddo” and when I answered yes he flashed a 70+ year old smile and said to me “that’s how you know it’s real”. Such wisdom that I still carry in my heart, most certainly.

    Like

  5. tears here, too. Thank you for reminding me to cover up my mouth, so as not to interject and silence him!! thx my wise friend!

    Like

  6. Yes, I too cried, I thought of my 15yr old ‘young man’ and also of my 3yr old boy and that I should listen more to both of them. Both so different yet in many ways so much the same. Thankyou!
    I also had a spider in my sink this morning!!!

    Like

  7. Oh, my heart ached as I read this :). Mine is 8 and is the best cuddlebug I know. Today I am the safe haven and a confidante and I enjoy it wistfully, knowing that one day it will change, as it should. Thanks so much lending your experiences and helping me to remember to cherish these little moments now.

    Like

  8. (the spider made me laugh)
    And I too have a big age difference between my boys…. it has surely been a blessing. My little one reminds me of my big boy as a little guy and my big guy reminds me to savor all those little boy moments. Time is so quickly passing….

    Like

  9. Oh you’ll be there before you know it….. And when they aren’t looking you’ll weep sweet tears… both for the loss of your little partners in life and for the beautiful adults your two will surely become. Bittersweet πŸ™‚

    Like

  10. OH my, I am crying. My oldest is 15. All the moms said, “Enjoy it, the time goes so fast.” They were right. Did I listen?

    Like

  11. *hugs* the first one always seems to grow the fastest… sneaks right up on an unsuspecting mama until one day we realize with a gasp they are well on their way to becoming an adult….

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s